Ending this year ~ 2016 ~ What a ride!

 

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Early on in 2016 – Kaypacha from New Paradigm Astrology called it “the year of purification” & what a ride it has been.

For me personally the year was just really really intense. Early Spring I had a friend I met through the realm of ‘Spirit Time’ (Facebook) travel thousands of miles (or km lol) to seek healing. I know he was searching for community but we weren’t and still aren’t able to quite cocreate that. He was very sick. For the past 7 year’s after an Ayuasca ceremony he got super ill in a very cyclical nature. This was beyond a ‘purge’ and shortly after arriving here and making a home in my travel trailer with his dog Moon, he began a ‘purge’.  It didn’t take me long to get the feeling that this appeared much more like a psychic attack. It was very intense and boarder line violent. He’d puke and puke and puke. It was difficult to witness. He was afraid and the fear ran deep. This cycle had taken a huge toll on his health and doctors were dumbfounded by what was causing his kidneys to almost shut down and that was affecting his heart. They had no clue!

Right around this time my partner was preparing for his second traditional fasting ceremony. Our family was super busy. I became super busy with child rearing, helping support my partner, taking care of a garden & animals as well as ensuring our kindred friend wouldn’t die on us! He was far from home & I became afraid it was my fault for encouraging his journey here, even something had been telling him in all our conversations that his healing would begin here. I trued to keep on trusting that & comforting him the best I could.

When I returned home after a night away helping with the fast, I brought him in to the hospital. He was very dehydrated and passing out. His shadow emerged, angry, hopeless, but I tried to remain calm and supportive. I knew this is part of it. Healing.

I talked to my friend Dawn and when he was released, set up a massage for him, but I told her all about the Ayuasca ceremony and his cycling sickness after that and she wanted to ‘tune in’. Another friend mentioned another ceremony of Ayuasca to close that one. It seemed plausible. Maybe he had been in ceremony for 7 years???

Previous to this reading, we had talked about what he called ‘Bear walkers’, what you would think of as a traditional evil witch. Someone who puts bad medicine on you & that the path of ceremony, especially as a white bodied seeker, you may bump into. It isn’t ALL romantic shit afterall. There are medicine people who still have ego’s that need some tending! Some feel threatened by another’s power and we’ve lost so much knowledge about our ‘white’ brothers and sisters of the ancient pre Neolithic, nordic and gnostic ways. Our root knowledge and earth spirituality is so so similar. Shamanism appeared all over Mother Earth simultaneously and all shamans were women, at first! Anyways……

Turns out he did have bad medicine put on him by the Medicine man (not to scare anyone, but use your discernment and look at your intentions wisely). He crapped out 2 worm like parasites and it appeared that this man was loosing his following and his power to continue using my friend as a psychic trash can. Dawn helped cut the energetic ties and my friend remembered gifting this medicine man his drum, a power object that probably helped strengthen the link.

I was relieved to hear this and the work Dawn was able to assist. I had wanted them to meet for a long time and now it was clear why. My friend stayed awhile longer to recover but returned home. It wasn’t time to make roots here, at least yet and the healing was now truly beginning and continues to do so. I’m grateful he can now move on and make some real plans for his future without worrying about another ‘attack’. He is gifted in many ways.

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After he left my own life was in a bit of reassessment. My partners fast went well but he fell into a darker space. I also knew I had to take better care of myself and we needed some time to work on our relationship. So many years of exhaustion catching up, feeling trapped in a cycle we cannot easily get out of. My partner hates his work but tries really hard to appreciate the aspect of providing for his family of 4 children. It is exhausting work in the bush and the hours are long. He hardly has anytime for anything. His body hurts and his mind is tired. It’s a real struggle i often feel helpless to offer solutions…..

What I do know is we need to build a vision of self sufficiency. I have no clue how but in my heart I know we need to build an offgrid homestead. Realistically I see no way, with the continual rise in the cost of living, but I have to hope on. We, have to hold on. We are all meant to live this way. Self responsible & sharing the abundance.

Our one and only adventure we went on as a family this past summer was a week long camping trip at a nearby lake. We needed the quiet and to unplug. We talked about all this homesteading stuff and trying to find a way to save money (no money saved yet). It was hopeful. A plan. I was suspicious of being pregnant, my moon was late. (Read more here: https://nurturingourwildness.wordpress.com/2016/10/27/spirit-baby/

….but after much reflection we both have come to the conclusion I got pregnant that camping trip after surrendering to the idea!!!! Although biologically it wasn’t ovulation time, but this spirit wanted a cozy invitation. A nest. Open & receptive. Funny. So many teachings & visions came through, also confirmed by readings with my confidant Dawn. Unfortunately, that pregnancy came to an end in October, the month of ‘pregnancy loss’. (I did an interview with Indie Birth about the sacred side of miscarriage you can here:

http://www.indiebirth.com/sacred-side-miscarriage-sabrina-wolf-moon/

I’d have to say that rocked me the deepest this year. I didn’t see it coming because I was sure, with that sheer determination this Spirit baby would make it Earthside. I still feel a bit lost and uncertain of where my next steps are going. I know in many ways the timing wasn’t quite at it’s best and that my partner already felt overwhelmed taking care of us as is. This spirit was gracious by seeing ahead. Seeing the possibility and the struggle. She didn’t want that struggle for us, only the joy and the blessings of another child. Its been tough. Teetering between relief to get some shit organized a focused & feeling lost and sad not to be with child anymore. The constant reminders of seeing babies, bellies, symbols of her and the feelings of it all having been just a dream. I began dreaming more of babies after loosing mine than while pregnant. I have 2 dreads in my hair that i started weeks before loosing her, that remind me. And . It’s good. I don’t want to forget.

What I do want is more understanding and clarity of what to fo next. It’s not coming, and so, all i can do is continue releasing….letting go.

Letting go

letting go some more…..

…until my cup is empty enough to refill and hopefully with that the guidance will come. It’s a reflective time and a time of doing without doing. What can we be grateful for with such a powerful and intense year? Lots of people I witnessed experienced loss and it certainly has been a year of loosing ‘stars’ in our celebrity workd. Time to check in or check out!  After clearing all the bullshit and preparing new ground comes the time to plant new seeds of how we want to continue shaping our lives.

Those 2 experiences I shared with you really brought me the gift & realization of my own strength, compassion and the power of my mind. I did  heavy letting go work, when I miscarried, so much in a short time, because I walk that path of life as ceremony and learning and at the same time, some sadness I coukd not clear and I honour that will heal with time, not force.

I really love New Paradigm Astrology and have been following Kaypacha’s Pele reports for some time. It’s always bang on for what i’m picking up already & i honour a good astrological interpretator to bring understanding to the energies going on. YOU’RE NOT CRAZY! And it’s not always OUR stuff. We are all friggen connected, like it or not, through a field of energy. It’s kinda like floating in a pot if soup lol the broth being the unifying field. Dig? Ha ha.

Anyways. Time to take a good look at the good. Take a good look at self. Are you only thinking about yourself and your side of the fence? Are you narcissistic and don’t even know it? Not knocking self care etc but don’t prioritize only your own happiness and self gratification. How can you help the whole with your pursuits, your energy, your joy? How can we give more and take just enough?

How can we be more real? Less pretentious? Less masks, attempting to hide your own bullshit from the world? We do have blind spots others see. How can we stop the cycle of saying the right things & acting completely different than what we’re saying?

You can feel this shit with your gut! Trust it.

You are loved even when you dont see it ~ already whole. Just know it. I know it ain’t easy. Too call home parts of yourself you’ve put away because they hurt.

Reflect on your blessings and see the harsh experiences as teachers. That’s the only thing I can do. Not that that necessarily means anything. It’s all about the MIND and training us to be vigilant in our ability to use the power of thought wisely. You are Jedi’s in training. Truly.

With that, I will leave you with the last Pele report of 2016 & much more soul retrieval and heart awakening blessings for 2017 ❣

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“The older and more objective I get,
The more I clearly see,
The world needs some serious attention,
More than a party for me.”

 

 

>>: Spirit Baby :<<

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Returning to the Great Cosmic Mother

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My life path changed immensely twice, this year, within a 3 month period.  Late summer, around the end of July early August I began feeling suspicious I may be possibly be pregnant. With my 5th child. Wow ~

What was odd was, that when I believe the only time we could have conceived was right around the time I was already expecting my Moon, not ovulation. It made me doubt myself & the inkling feeling and messages I was receiving. I didn’t want to test. This time. I wanted to learn to not doubt myself! I mean, when will that end anyways??? All this countless doubting myself, when I’ve had so many experiences that have affirmed I was truly receiving intuitive knowing & guidance…………

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Looking back now, we may have even conceived after I already thought I might be pregnant, because my moon was late. That was not really unusual for me, my cycles easily becoming wonky with fluctuations in stress, mood, moon……but looking back at my calendar, for almost an entire year, it was uncannily consistent,  close to a Full Moon for sometime, which signaled to me a time of pursuit in self development (check out “Red moon” by Mirendah Grey, who talks about red moon and white moon cycles). So, although I did feel a baby to be, floating in the ethereal realms, (over 2 years postpartum of my 4th baby Rowan, whose unassisted pregnancy & birth i felt inspired to share here ~ https://nurturingourwildness.wordpress.com/the-family-birth-of-rowan-noah-phoenix-unassisted/), I had thought this would occur a bit later. After his birth I had a few pregnancy dreams & just a lingering feeling my heart had room for one more, down the trail. I knew I was open and this wasn’t an ‘accident’. I really don’t belive in them.

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We were camping. Our first real camp out as a family. We went to my favourite ancient lake and were lucky to be the only ones making ‘home’ of this spot, for a whole week. It was just what I knew I needed. Peace & Solitude. Ok, some peace, we have 4 kids. Keeping it real! Ha ha. But unplugging felt good. Listening to the waves. Hearing beautiful Loon songs every night and iften during the day as well. Their songs were so hauntingly mesmerizing. Like they were calling to my Soul. My heart. Visions were coming. Of living a life that matched my spirit. I realized more & more what I wanted for my life and my family. The homestead was calling. More land, somewhere away from the highway and major roads and trains was calling. I knew I wanted this before, but now it was pulling hard!

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The quiet nights by the fire, with just our oldest two kids while the little two were sleeping was really special. We watched the stars & even some meteors too. Never mind all the UFO’s. **Wink**

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My partner and I talked alot about all the things coming up. All the possibilities. If I were pregnant. What our plan was to finally disengage from this dis enchanting lifestyle that kept us from living our dreams and allowing us  to really discover our gifts and use them. I know his spirit is drained, even dying, from working a job that requires long hours and really goes  against his integrity and love of nature ( logging), and the only thing that keeps him going is knowing he is doing what he has too right now and providing for  his family. However, we are at a point where we want to move towards a life of passion, purpose and enjoyment & move away from simply getting ‘through’ this.

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We both got a sense, this Spirit, and baby to be was gentle. We both felt it may be a little girl this time (1 girl, 3 boys, so far).  This Spirit babe was guiding us towards this dream. The day I pretty much knew I was carrying life was the day I had to head home to get a few things, shower and check on our chickens, horse and garden. Two eagles, a young one and maybe it’s mother, flew over us, landed in a tree by the trailer, played, and then flew off together, shedding some eagle fluff on me! Wowsza….

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I could really feel this ball of energy in my sacred womb. I just knew. And although I will admit I was a bit terrified, I was also over the moon excited. This space, felt magical. It felt like this baby would bring so many blessings.

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After returning from that mystical camping experience with so many animal visitors, including a young bear I sat on the beach with, it was a return to being plugged back into the normal home routine. I decided to get a reading with my friend Dawn (I’ve mentioned Dawn in my birth stories & have tuned into our previous babies, all except one, when she moved, her readings are authentic and always confirmed what I already sensed). The reading was beautiful. She was a bit surprised by my pregnancy but once she tuned in, it made sense. This Spirit had been planning for a long time. Thise were the intro words & waiting for the ‘nest’ to be ready ( remember the Eagles?). Indeed, a very feminine gentle spirit. She brought up so much of what we had been talking about, it was surreal. Especially focused on this homestead and self ~ sufficiency. I was really happy and excited. I was validated for all I felt.

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I kept this little secret to myself with the exception of a few. It was really nice to keep the magic between us. Although I still feared timing a bit, this baby would be born exactly when I had kinda dreamed of having a baby. Spring. A May baby. Noone else in the family was born in May, and I connected with Taurus, earthy, feminine energy. The other time I dreamt of having a baby was Summer, maybe July and a watery Cancer. Even the name that came to me resonated with taurus and May.

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There were times I felt things were a bit different. Maybe more in hindsight. My uterus felt a bit tilted, or something but I figured it was more due to my pelvis twisting and pulling things out of alignment. I did go for physio once to help with that and it did feel better. Other times I felt like my uterus was already contracting a bit, but maybe that was a variation of normal for someone who’s had multiple pregnancies. I had a few thoughts along the lines of loosing a baby, maybe because I had never experienced a miscarriage before.  Months earlier I was asked for advice in regards to miscarriage and I had no real advice to give, having not had that experience, it was all theoretical. I had more experience with pregnancy & birth giving and that June of 2016, was my first birth I was invited to hold space for ( there’s a story possibly yet to come). I joked I got baby dust on me then…..

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It’s now October & we have shared our news with family & friends, including our FB circle. I attended a woman’s Sweatlodge and shared my news there & it was just awesome to be in this space again. My daughter and niece joined me. So much joy and excitement and yet, still so much mystery! October was semi busy with my son’s Libran birthday and a basket weaving workshop I was facilitating. Interestingly enough, there wasn’t enough interest this time and I cancelled that weekend, but my friend & teacher came to stay at our place and taught me the round bottom style anyways. October was also pregnancy loss and infant loss awareness month and it just kept popping up.

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That friday, I woke around 5am to pee & when I wiped there was blood. That was new. I was concerned right away & hit up my FB birth communities that understood variations in normal & wholistic pregnancy. It’s definitely not abnormal for women to bleed with many reasons from implantation, cervical changes and sensitivities to sex or hormones. I was really trying NOT to worry, but really, it wasn’t my normal! Maybe this baby and this pregnancy was just different and would continually be a bit of a mystery? At this point I only dreamt of the baby twice. Once I was holding her, she was about 1 1/2 at best, I called her by the name that came to me & the other dream was strange and had me a bit rattled, of my friend Dawn tuning in and telling me this baby may not be born at home  and naturally due to being stuck! What??!! How’s that possible? I was kinda miffed at that dream and said ” Fuck that!”. Other dreams were more chaotic. Turbulent. Stormy. Ocean storms. Although in one water dream I dreamt I swam with a Lynx and one where a deer came to lie in bed with me.

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I bled lightly all weekend. Honestly, it was so hard for me to focus on learning this much more complex weaving style. I tried to relax but I was really worried and at the same time it made no sense to me for this to be actually happening. This bebe really seemed to want to come. That Sunday Mike, my partner, attended a Sweatlodge and I stayed home to finish my basket. I asked him to say prayers for me in the Lodge. I really wanted this bleeding to stop and happily move forward being pregnant. My belly was starting to show itself more and more. It was also our pup’s birthday. Nani was one  year old! Her brother Nanook only lived 6 months and was taken from us too soon on this highway. It was a celebration to have a piece of him through her.

Nanooks Story:https://nurturingourwildness.wordpress.com/2015/10/29/standing-in-the-center-of-grief-the-circle-of-life-accepting-nature/ )

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My friend Christina left Sunday afternoon. I was really friggen beat! My feet had felt slightly swollen, but didn’t look it. I figured maybe dehydrated and a change in development. I took a pretty good nap and even after I was still tired. The bleeding was minimal. That night I went to bed early. It was around 9:30. Mike had to work the next day anyway so it made going to bed early easy. I was a bit crampy on my left side. I could feel tension from my neck to my feet, all left. I was falling asleep and at some point I turned over to change position. That’s when I felt it………

a ‘Pop’

My heart sank a little already, on my way to the bathroom. As I sat down on the toilet, there it was, just like that, suspended & yet still connected, my tiny tiny baby. I couldn’t believe it. Is it something else? But as I shifted I recognized a face.

I howled……

My son, who’s bedroom is across the bathroom asked me right away ” are you loosing the baby?” with such sadness. I held my baby as I staggered down the hallway to get Mike. Howling, crying, saying ‘no’. Saying ‘why’.

He came with me to the bathroom trying to comfort and calm me. I could feel his own disbelief in some sense and sadness, even if he already suspected it may be coming. I squatted in the bathroom. My baby still attached and then the blood came. I stayed here, sobbing, for some time. Mike asked if he should call anyone? If we should go anywhere?

No. Simple answer,

He left the bathroom. I didn’t know what he was doing. You see. Mike Bear Moon, also known as Shadowalker in the Lodge, becomes very empathic when it comes to intense moments such as these. I feel he carried some of my pain and fear and purged. He couldn’t help it, it just happened. When he came back, there was more calm, he felt grounded & it grounded me. I was in disbelief still, now sitting in the tub, instead of bleeding on the floor. The baby ( fetus) was still attached by a thread and I gently tried to disconnect it from me so could sit. It didn’t let go quite yet, but soon, and then I just held her tiny unfinished human body, maybe 3 inches long at best, and held her in my left hand. I passed clots and just laid back in the empty tub letting the rivers of blood flow from me. I recalled a dream I had recently of again, being in the water, I saw a scene of boats & whales and blood filled waters. I remember having to swim and this intense feeling of these huge creatures beneath me, who could easily kill me. It was very odd and honestly I don’t know if the humans were killing the whales or the whales killing the humans, but the sea was bloody. I don’t know if it’s somehow connected.

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It took a couple of hours to finally leave the bathroom. My eldest and only daughter witnessed the whole thing, by her own choice. She was quiet and sad. She helped prepare a hot water bottle for me for my belly and a cup of balsam mint tea to soothe my body, mind & spirit. We sat on the couch for  a little while. The young ones slept through the whole thing fortunately. We finally went to bed, a bit heartbroken, or rather, with stretched hearts. My womb already felt empty.

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Friday I had sent my friend Dawn a message asking if she could check in on baby, but Dawn doesn’t use FB much. Late that Sunday night I just messaged her I had lost the baby. Monday we connected a bit and she said she’d tune in later that night and phone me. I was relieved to get some insight. I was really, and still am a bit, walking between worlds. All I did was rest on that Monday with lots of hot water bottles……and plenty of tears.

I had wrapped the little babe in a cloth and placed her in a box. I wasn’t sure what do yet. Burial didn’t feel quite right, although my young Apple tree crossed my mind. Later on that day we decided to have a fire ceremony that night.

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Mike had learned to build an altar for the fire. We had a chunk of Grandfather ( volcanic type rock used in lodges because they dont shatter easily) and rested our little unfinished human there, on a bed of juniper & tobacco.  We offered our heartfelt prayers, to say goodbye, at least for now & I mainly prayed for my own healing, because I knew, the Spirit of this babe, was fine. We watched the fire as it burned down and then went inside.

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The next morning when I checked in for messages I got my message from Dawn. She got tied up and decided to message me instead of phone because it got late. She messaged me after our ceremony and what came through was simple, short, sweet but what I needed.  It looked as though the problem was physical. It wasn’t a change in mind about joining our family as much as it was biology and timing. Like I’ve mentioned, the timing of conception was odd and that could have had a ripple effect. She said it appeared as if the fetus couldn’t attach, which confused Dawn, but then I researched and discovered that the placenta doesn’t attach and take over until about 10 weeks gestation. My little babe looked about 10 weeks not 12. That brought more clarity and insight to both of us & I learned something I honestly didn’t know, even after 4 children.

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 I was relieved to hear it wasn’t a spiritual decision because I felt instant love & kinship with this one. I prayed she’d come back, down the trail. That she is welcome to return at a better time, into our tribe. I have room in my heart and now relinquish my trust to that natural force of Spirit, Mystery and that Great Cosmic Mother of all creation.

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I now stand, in a circle of Women who have also stood in this place. It is my journey, but I’m not alone. I rest between stories. I walk between the seen & unseen. I learn to trust & let go. To ebb and flow. I see the need to talk about these things, to create ceremonies for our own healing and to honour & acknowledge the Spirit babies we have given birth too. This time of mourning and grief is part of the ‘letting go postpartum’………

***Below is my post on my personal FB page. The picture I posted with this writing is a piece I created from art I found and an outline of my baby.***

It is with great sadness i share the coming & going of our Little Starseed ✨ birthed, October 16 @ 10:43 pm.
I held a tiny unfinished human in my hand.
Great Mysteries potential.
Now returned to its original Source.
Going from one dance to another.
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The Spirit of this baby now cradled back into the Great Cosmic Mothers Womb. It was not the time to join our Tribe & as I sit between stories & walk between worlds, I release the life that was taking vision and shape. I am suspended in space. Only my deeply reaching spiritual roots serve as my grounding solace & support through this transition. I can only accept. Surrender. Carry on. As I adjust and orient myself on this new trail.
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Ceremony has been a vital part to create a completion & allow a new beginning. We lit the sacred altar, resting our unfinished creation on a bed of tobacco & juniper, laid upon Grandfather rocks back & returned this earthly vessel back to the Grandmother who sits at the centre of the sacred fire. We offered our love. Our gratitude for this connection, even though brief. We asked for our own healing, to support our hearts stretching. To blanket our tender hearts & spirits in the healing balm of love for one another. We gently let this most beautiful spirit know a welcomed return, if meant to be, at a later time. That there was a space in our family’s hearts should she decide so.
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I thank my partner for his powerful medicine, to take on what I couldn’t during this birthing. Transmuting the fear and sadness that became overwhelming & being gentle and present with me as I let go.
I am deeply grateful for the children I already have & am proud of them just for being themselves, supporting me in their own way. I thank my eldest and only daughter for having the courage to see me so raw & being brave enough to witness the life/death/rebirth cycle. It is one if the most potent teachings to accept death as part of life ❣
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I am thankful for all I have & all the lessons that shape my spirit in order to make me a more humble, compassionate human being. To understand both loss & life as sacred.
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Thank you for all the loving thoughts i have been receiving. Your prayers are felt. All my relations. 🙏🏻

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LaLoba ~ Wolf Woman

I have been gentle with myself as I heal. Resting more and allowing my body to do what it needs. This was an Unassisted miscarriage. My primary provider was my own bodies wisdom I called to the for front. I sought council with wise women, some whom are midwives as too what to be aware of. Everything has gone as it should, but please be mindful & aware of your own needs, if you suspect a problem. Sometimes our own emotional processing can make it more difficult for our bodies to do their job and other biological factors that present themselves. Be gentle & kind with You. With my deepest heartfelt blessings, thank you for walking along the trail of my story. All my relations ❣

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Sabrina Wolf Moon 🌓

Solstice )0( Full Moon :: Ripples of Understanding ourselves ~ 2016

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Awesome piece of an unknown artist to me )0(

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An insight about the inner battle we all share came to me today, as I sat in conversation with a Soul Brother this morning, of the Solstice light.

We have been talking about shadow work a great deal in our times, as human, but what seems to the case, perhaps, is that we have been confusing our inner battle with light & dark, is that the shadow isn’t ‘ darkness’. There is much light in a casted shadow, as it takes light to cast that shadow in the first place. What gets confusing for one is, just like Peter Pan, you can’t get ” rid off” it! It is an essential part of you, maybe even of essential value, perhaps this place is where the sacred feminine rests in disguise. Wink*

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Perhaps  easily manipulated,twisted, distorted to keep us in submission of our greatest potential to greatness, the dark, holds that shadow in a friendly, HA, headlock, laughing and all the while encouraging your idea that it’s actually a part of you when it’s not! We have maybe confused our Shadow with Darkness. And trust me, or not, Darkness loves that. Wink*

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See, darkness is seductive, even sensual, in its ability to sway you under its temptation. It knows you better than you know yourself! It tempts you with its sweet longings of release of your pain, if only you would join it’s ranks and surrender to your own hatred of this world. And it would love all the strong Spiritual Warriors on its side….insert Starwars dun dun dun dun ta da dun ta da….

Your anger & deep sorrow are delectable foods for this manipulative entity. Morsels of yummy food!

Just like the understanding that you eventually begin to believe and absorb as a core belief you had thrown at you throughout childhood, you will begin to believe the voices of the darkness.

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The battle is greatest for the bright, shiny & powerful lights , just like a moth to a flame, your power is a recipe for feast! Protection may not be under rated here? Ask your Ancestors who stand with you for help.

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Don’t give up the fight!

    As alluring and tempting it may seem, to join the ” dark side” …insert Darth Vader breath…the honeymoon phase will wear off and you will be Consumed or worse yet, wake up in the reality you have been fighting off for so long. These times are times of great Spiritual Storms! A cleansing front is on the horizon pruning all the dead weight and broken branches off the Tree of Life!

which really, ITS A GOOD THING!

It just depends on you where you will be? After all there is no death, only a change of worlds! And according to some of the cosmic I have had the honour to know, there are many worlds.

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SO.

Lay it all on the table. Surrender to your fears of unknowing. Be honest with yourself and any illusions you have been carrying or disillusionment you have been feeding. ( by you I mean myself as well, wink wink). Surrender to your sorrow, let it take you, shake you and release you. We all feel it. If you don’t, you are lying! Sorry. With the history of this planet, there is no way you can’t be ‘ not’ tied into it. Pray for yourself and all relations. Honour this beautiful and terrifying life! Without our deepest gratitude to the four corners and our Creator, however that appeals to you, life becomes dull and meaningless, which equals more food for the psychic parasites! Hurray!

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We have a purpose

we have a gift

we have a deep sleeping power waiting to awaken

The sun is sitting on the horizon awaiting a new dawn of a Golden Age….

sounds far fetched I know, but we’ve all, or some of us at least have been shown glimpses!

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trust & learn to truly love yourself and that shadow!

if you loose it, someone will come along and sew it back on…wink wink*

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Injoy the season of remembering. It’s a tough road but worth it.

Much love

walking with you in beauty

Wolf Moon🌙

>>: In the Belly :<<

fairy earth

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Imbolc, in the Celtic seasonal calendar marked the beginning of the lambing season and signaled the beginning of Spring and the stirrings of new life. It is Feile Brighde, the ‘quickening of the year’. The original word Imbolg means ‘in the belly’, and therein you have the underlying energy. All is pregnant and expectant – and only just visible if at all, like the gentle curve of a ‘just-showing’ pregnancy. It is the promise of renewal, of hidden potential, of earth awakening and life-force stirring. Here is hope. We welcome the growth of the returning light and witness Life’s insatiable appetite for rebirth.

{{  https://www.goddessandgreenman.co.uk/imbolc_candlemas }}

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I don’t know a whole lot about all the ancient rituals and traditions, nor am I diligent at practicing Ceremonies for all of them, but I do feel their beginning’s as energetic stirrings,  in me. In that sense, I am the ‘ceremony’.  I definitely acknowledge them all though, very simply  by having a Fire ceremony or attending the Sweat Lodge when one is being hosted.

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2 days ago Imbolc – marking the beginning of the rebirthing energies. The light is certainly increasing which stirs all sorts of life just by shining longer each day. I’ve been feeling something growing in my womb (no, not a real baby lol).

BUT

Pregnant with ideas and growing with inspiration!

 It wasn’t until I came across the post about Imbolc and the Goddess Brighid, I made the connection to the feeling in my Womb and this time of year! The promise of renewal, growth and rebirth is expanding. That’s where our Power swells, stirs and emanates from.

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I’ve been immersed in a project, as immersed as I can be with 4 wild children running the den here. The theme has been of Nature, faeries, protecting Mother Earth and children, as the illustrations are a for a Children’s book for a friend. They will all be contained in a Sacred Circle (mandala) held by Celtic knot work. How fitting for all that this time of year embodies.

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I haven’t been very active in my writing, on and off the internet. I have been retreating all Winter, redefining myself and how I want to move out into the World. What I need to let go of and what I want to move towards. It is a time of cleaning ‘House’ once again, as every cycle encourages us to keep up our Spiritual clearing and move closer to doing our Life’s Work

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How are you feeling?

into the light

 >:<

Opening myself to Life

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Wolf Moon

(((O)))

<> Season’s Blessings <>

grandmother moon

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May the Light of this beautiful Grandmother shed her illumination on some dark places within yourself >:< in the most gentle way, may she guide you to release those wounds and fears in a good way so it may not harm you or another. Brightest blessings on this auspicious Full Moon Return of the Light {aka. Christmas} Day. InJoy your Ceremonies, whatever they may BE ❤

Are you ready for the rare full moon that will appear in the skies on Christmas? December’s full moon, the last of the year, will be the first time since 1977 that a full moon has dawned on Christmas and it won’t happen again until 2034.

“When we are attuned to the moon and aligned to its energy, we can use the power to shift areas of our life that have become stagnant or particular situations that are dragging toward the seduction of the past. The full moon ebbs and flows and we can either elegantly flow with it or fight a battle against it, it is our choice.” —Read more on the upcoming full moon at Elephant Journal, http://www.elephantjournal.com/…/rare-christmas-day-full-m…/

As this Gregorian year comes to an end during the last Full Moon of 2015 it is important to create the space during these often stressful days to give ourselves a limpia, or to visit a respected curandera or curandero for a more formal cleansing, to help us release unwanted or unneeded connections to people and situations that do not support our wellbeing. Create the space in your body, mind, spirit, and life for all the good to enter…..

You can find the instructions for a full moon herbal bath limpia here: https://www.facebook.com/280837062184/photos/pb.280837062184.-2207520000.1450919104./10152745903397185/?type=3&theater

Painting by Arlette Lucero, http://arletteluc.wix.com/arlettelucero

Some INsights from the bright Kaypacha ❤

so much >>:LOVE:<<

[youtube  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yo8SJHd3kUw&feature=share

Standing in the Center of Grief >:< The Circle of Life & Accepting Nature

wolf and bear

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I had recently started a post about my recent experience at the Susun Weed workshop I attended…but then life happened and my world was forever re~arranged

again

the continuum of change is infinite, as it should be

sometimes the sudden changes just rip out our hearts a little and we bleed.

I have been bleeding since Monday. October 26, 2015 when my beloved dog Nanook was suddenly taken out of my world. We had just spent a beautiful 5 moons together, he was only 6 Moons old. Those 5 months felt like a lifetime, so rich and full of joy, to share this space with him and our family.

This was not our first time together

I was actually waiting for him for awhile.

The dreams started coming about dogs, back in February early March.

We had contemplated a new companion after our last dog passed 2 years earlier. It wasn’t a light decision, we knew the effort and care that would have to go into nurturing a puppy with a house full of kids and a baby in the midst…

but

the dreams kept coming

even though we didn’t really feel

I didn’t really feel

we were ready.

BUT

the dreams kept coming.

The most symbolic dream was one I had around my birthday.

My grandma (an aries) came to me with a gift.

She presented to me a small, but super fluffy, brown puppy. Just as I asked her what kind of dog this was, the dream ended.

Most of the other dreams I dreamt of this whitish dog. This was the first brown one.

Come April we were sitting in the Sweat lodge, when one of our lodge brothers shared the birth of another batch of puppies. ( Umm, Aries pups!) He tried to give us one the year before. ha. But we were not ready then. This time my attention sparked a bit. My heart was pulling me to explore this.

I hadn’t really heard about the Great Pyreneese breed before he told us about them. Then randomly one day, the spring after our sweet Mesha had left us, this giant white dog showed up at our house one day. She was so sweet and it took us sometime to find out who the owners were. The kids wanted to keep her of course, but this wasn’t about keeping that dog, but rather, about becoming aquainted with this type of dog.

I began looking in to their traits and behaviours. Some I liked, some I didn’t. But the internet is good at that. I loved how gentle they seemed and mellow. Pretty content without needing a vigorous exercise routine. Just a nice walk would do.

Although I’ve always longed for a wolfie husky like dog, I knew this was not the time and space for me to have a dog like that. They need a lot of attention and exercise!

This particular batch of puppies was not just Pyreneese but a lab cross. So I started looking into what they termed Pyrador’s or Laboneese. Everything I read sounded really great and suitable for us.

One time we checked into an animal shelter here & came across some more Korelian Bear dogs (like our last dog). I asked the shelter guy what he thought about the Lab and Pyreneese cross, he just responded, ‘awful’. OH! I thought. Ok.

Well, I shrugged that off, because I didn’t really like his vibe anyhow. My heart was still on these pups. I had to explore deeper. I couldn’t stop thinking about it.

We finally went to visit the puppies. I was really torn between 2. The one that would become our beautiful Nanook & his sister, who pulled at me, just because of her colour and markings (like dream). The little brown fluff ball had really buried himself into my partner’s beard. He was really at home in his arms.

Because my intuition was being compromised by my feelings and the image I saw in my dreams (yeah, that happens to me a lot) I consulted my dear friend Dawn to help me clear through the cobwebs & she tuned in for me.  First thing that came up was…

It’s the one that was nuzzling into Mike’s beard!

he was saying ‘hey its me, take me home’. She also saw he had a dark muzzle and was more solid in colour. Which he was and then it rapidly changed! His markings, unfolded into looking more like his sister and he became very much more white! not brown.

yet he was fluffy brown just like in the dream where Aries Grandma was gifting me this Aries pup. sigh*

I am learning to decipher the messages. Yup.

Nanook was a name that just kept coming to me. I really loved it, but with all things, its always strange at first, to name something, anything. Now it just normally rolls off my tongue, like no other name could have ever been more perfect for him. I will miss calling it out…..

In Inuit mythology, Nanook (Inuktitut: ᓇᓄᖅ, [naˈnuq], lit. “Polar Bear”) was the master of bears, meaning he decided if hunters deserved success in finding and hunting bears and punished violations of taboos.

He was a majestic bear indeed.

The life we had together was so precious. He came everywhere with me. Although I had thought, that this time, he wanted to be more of an outside dog, he followed us everywhere and was happily included in our household. We even bought him the largest dog door possible! I only left him home twice in our almost 6 months together.

Even though he hated the car rides at first, after a few months of this, having to come to town with me and the kids (because I had no fenced area for him), he became very used to it, even sat on the back seat.

I never had to worry about him. He always stayed nearby, following us in and out.  He was just really coming into his own and his coat was becoming really beautiful now. He looked like a husky or a wolf without being either. A few times I was asked if he had wolf in him. He is my ally, my familiar. Wolf is my ally, my familiar.

That morning that he left us, I had the best cuddle ever with him. He jumped on my bed and we just relished in each other’s arms. I rubbed his beautiful and soft ears and he just groaned in bliss. I whispered ‘I love you Nanook’ a few times. Rubbed his belly and paws. His giant paws.

I really wish I had a picture of this. How large he became in such a short time and how you could just wrap yourself around him. I thought, I had time, to get someone to capture this moment of us, since I was always the one behind the camera. I never thought he would be gone so soon.

That day, we were all outside, looking at the future chicken coop with the kid’s Grandpa. He was going to take the boys with him to cut some more boards for the floor. Then I heard the honking….and my heart sank. Even as I type this it sends those feelings to my belly. Instant heart break.

I realized Nanook, who was just here, wasn’t. I began calling and calling. Sequoia climbed on top of the play house and said he saw something….on the road. My heart sank deeper. No.

I drove to the road with Chris…. I lost it. I couldn’t believe it. I just screamed.

Why?

over and over

Why?

He was so loved, why had he started this, suddenly. He wasn’t given many chances and there was no time to even ponder a solution, to keep him safe until we could teach him more.  He wanted to expand his territory, to do his job.  In that weekend i was gone, his awareness shifted, to knowing there was more…out there. He was just go lucky, happy, doing his thing….not realizing, there are consequences…does any animal?

They live so purely in the moment.

They have no fear of death, unlike us human animals.

I know he’s still around. Our bond is so deep & goes back to so long ago.

This makes it easier and harder at the same time. For me. I know he’s happy and free, what I’m feeling is my own sadness and loss for him. I see him running in my mind, so happy and goofy as always.

He is truly missed by our whole family & always will be.

We take for granted the fact that despite all the heart aches and pain we experience while incarnate in this physical space this IS the most sacred space when we fully embody it.

The Spiritual traditions that try to ascend the physical or see it as a burden or ‘sin’ are really doing us a disservice. I think maybe, they were planted there to misguide us, because I have always intuitively felt, understanding the power of being fully present in our bodies is the missing link to our full potential and unlocking our true power.

I know Nanook is here,

but I can’t run my hands through his velvety fur.

I can’t wrap my arms around him and smell his sweetness.

How is that not Sacred?

We did have quite a heated conversation about this at the workshop as well as the continuum of life and death, the cycles of nature. I had no idea how soon I would have to embrace this lesson again in my life. He brought so much joy and light into my life, and yet, I have to accept the pain and darkness that grieving brings.

That day, I had syncronistically commented on a post about grief and loss and how ‘everything does NOT happen for reason’.  This was an hour before my little world changed. I remember reading it and typing a response, that we need to honour the emotions, the pain and the process BUT I  still felt things really do happen a for a reason. My life has always mirrored this, but you just can’t see it in that moment, nor should pain be covered up by that kind of response. The pain is very very real.

I still feel this. Layers of lessons and teachings.

I am claiming responsibility for this. I am responding in the moment, which is what responsibility is. I am grieving. I miss him with all my heart. My heart was broken.

and

that’s what LOVE does. It can break us but it also holds us together.

All the pain I am feeling right now, is still worth the short time we spent together. It is always worth risking to LOVE again.

always.

So many teachings and lessons I am still integrating from our time together as well as his death.

My friend Crazyhorse urged me not to bury him. I have always buried my animals. You know….

gave them a human funeral. Yeah. Human.

Do animals bury each other?

No.

It felt right.

So Mike brought him to the hills somewhere & laid him to rest underneath some Birch Trees. He offered tobacco and smudge. He was returned to the Land.  He was honoured the best way we could. I believe now, it has really set him more free than ever. He brought me back a piece of his fur and I just sobbed.

Later we had a fire and did a ceremony for him. I drummed and sang some songs I knew. We offered tobacco and each said something to Nanook. The kids thanked him for their time together and told him they love and miss him. It was really deeply touching. Yet, my heart ached.

So many reminders.

everywhere….

The giant dog door left behind.

When I hear the cat’s enter, I think of you coming inside.

The fur left behind in my van and on my clothing.

The hole you were digging by the front deck.

The paw print I just found in the yard.

The ca-clonking sound you made when you flopped yourself on the floor at night.

The fact you were a transient sleeper, never just staying in one favorite spot, but you had many.

You flopping yourself down at my feet and always being right in the way while I had to make supper and I was SO fond of you, even when in the way, or in a hurry, there was always time for a cuddle.

or two.

You coming into my room in the morning and bonking your giant wet nose right in my face.

Even you being so joyful and huge and knocking the kids over, although we were working on YOU not doing that! You were truly a gentle giant, not meaning any harm, just a bit rambunctious.

You were really a great dog & such a mellow pup.  Sigh*

What came to my mind, is that continuum of life, that liberation and growth of our spirits with each journey of incarnation we make.

Susun brought a teaching which she said, take it if it resonates, and it did.

For me.

We are made up of 2 forces.

One is our Life force – that which completely embodies our physical being. our body. that which dies.

The other is our

Soul Force, that which lives beyond our physical death. You can communicate to anyone’s soul force, which can come in handy if you work with the dying or taking the live’s of animals for food.

His soul force is here, because of our bond. He could choose to leave and go to his ‘doggy heaven’ but he wants to stay to continue his purpose as guardian. Now, our spiritual guardian and he will do it well.

My dear friend Dawn helped me once again & we contacted Nanook that night (his soul force). I really needed to feel some peace & even though I knew he was ok, happy even, I still wanted to tune in to see what else he had to say. I needed to clear through the voices of guilt and blame that run rampant amidst tragedy. The many should have’s and could have’s that completely take over and paralyze you. I needed to find solace.

He brought so much love into my life & now I feel we also gave him a gift. I feel in some ways, he came back to us, for a final piece in his spirits journey, a liberation back to his roots and his ancestors wildness.

His death was an accident to an extent because it was not his intention to leave us so soon, but he said he had no regrets and wouldn’t trade his short life for another’s dogs long life. His life was rich  & full. Quality over quantity. All the things I had already sensed, but sometimes it really just sounds better coming from someone else.

He is now protecting us from the other side, that rests right at the tip of our nose. He will continue serving his purpose as our guardian until he feels called to move on. He said its likely that his next incarnation, when the time comes, won’t be as a domesticated animal again, but as a wild animal, more than likely a Wolf. Funny that. My wolfie friend. He was happy to howl a the recent Full Moon.

That Moon brought frost

&

Deep changes.

I will just have to nourish my own wild roots and then we’ll meet again, in the Wild. That  free space of unconditional love that holds no boundaries or bars on anyone’s freedom. I will miss him always, as he was, in this last body, that truly held a majestic awe. He was absolutely gorgeous and handsome to me.

So my friend…

When the wind blows

& you swoosh on by

I know you are here.

forever and always.

Eventually :: when I see you in mind, only  joy will remain, not the sorrow of longing I feel for you right now. Everyday I cry a little less & eventually, the sharp edges of that pain I feel, in that moment, when reality sank in, that you were gone, will smooth over, and the pain won’t be as sharp anymore. And when I am ready, I will go the highway & lay down tobacco for all the lives that are lost, to our modern snake, that takes many……

I love you Nanook (((O)) Awoooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

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puppy love

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nanook

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nanuk 2

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lol

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wolf and bear

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fire puppy

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nanook moon

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nanook fire moon

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nanook chew

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Loved to cuddle

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me rowan nanook

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nanook and the boys

Was always with the boys

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nanook and boys

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nook toons2

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nook toons3

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nook toons

Loved his berries >>:<<

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big baby

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big baby 2

Loved to give hugs ((O))

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nanook

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Gorgeous Boy ❤

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NANOOK BIG

a before and after (after becoming giant!)

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Nanook NOW ❤

wolf running

The mournful cries rise in the night.
We are seeking!
Wolves’ song greets the Moon so bright.
We are brace and wise!
Sleek, muscles bodies beneath the Moon.
We help turn the wheel of death and rebirth!
By our magic we a send a boon
Of true dreaming!
>>:<<

The Rainbow People

rainbow warriors N.O.W

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I just decided to change my header picture, here on the site. Multiple reasons for me really! ha.

One is the shift in energy and season. As the Landscape changes colour and mood, so do I and all I do.

Just as the Rainbow is a bridge between worlds, we sit in between seasons.

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The Rainbow people  have been heavily on my mind and heart of late.

I long for this day – the harmony.

On Earth and all her people and creatures.

Everyone has so much beauty to share.

There is so much beauty!

Only many lies and hidden truths are keeping us from it.

One day sitting in the Sacred Circle, the Lodge, a beautiful vision came to me.

Of 2 Ravens – one white and one black weaving a beautiful rainbow around the Earth.

The balance is being woven into us. Spirit is already setting the stage for the great reawakening.

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With the coming of the great changes I see people spread both messages of love and unison as well as of fear and division.

The wounds of the past creating more division and blame.

I don’t see us moving forward into a new future while being chained to the past – stuck in old wounds. We can’t change the past. We can however, change our understanding, our awareness of it. See how people were acting out from a deep sense of disconnection and how that created a deep  wound that was left and festered over time.

The Rainbow Spirit, watches over us, sending its healing energy down upon us.

We are ready.

Messages of Unity – all colours of the Earth coming together as one Humanity. One Nation, while being deeply rooted in the beauty of diversity. Connected to our Mother and drawing all the nourishment we need!

With that said >>:<< Here is the Rainbow Warrior Prophecy ❤

The Warriors of the Rainbow Prophecy

One day… there would come a time, when the earth being ravaged and polluted, the forests being destroyed, the birds would fall from the air, the waters would be blackened, the fish being poisoned in the streams, and the trees would no longer be, mankind as we would know it would all but cease to exist

The Rainbow prophecy, as it has come to be known, refers to the keepers of the legends, rituals, and other myths that will be needed when the time comes to restore the health on Earth. It is believed that these legendary beings will return on a day of awakening, when all people will unite and create a new world of justice, peace and freedom, and they will be named the ‘Warriors of the Rainbow’. They will reteach the values and the knowledge that has been lost in time, demonstrating how to have wisdom and extra-perception, and how unity, harmony and love is the only way forward.

The rainbow reference relates to the different colours of the original people:

At the beginning of this cycle of time, long ago, the Great Spirit came down and He made an appearance and He gathered the peoples of this earth together, they say on an island which is now beneath the water, and He said to the human beings, “I’m going to send you to four directions and over time I’m going to change you to four colours, but I’m going to give you some teachings and you will call these the Original Teachings and when you come back together with each other you will share these so that you can live and have peace on earth, and a great civilization will come about.
Prophecy as told by Lee Brown of the Salish Tribe at the 1986 Continental Indigenous Council, Alaska.

There will come a day when people of all races, colors, and creeds will put aside their differences. They will come together in love, joining hands in unification, to heal the Earth and all Her children. They will move over the Earth like a great Whirling Rainbow, bringing peace, understanding and healing everywhere they go. Many creatures thought to be extinct or mythical will resurface at this time; the great trees that perished will return almost overnight. All living things will flourish, drawing sustenance from the breast of our Mother, the Earth.

The great spiritual Teachers who walked the Earth and taught the basics of the truths of the Whirling Rainbow Prophecy will return and walk amongst us once more, sharing their power and understanding with all. We will learn how to see and hear in a sacred manner. Men and women will be equals in the way Creator intended them to be; all children will be safe anywhere they want to go. Elders will be respected and valued for their contributions to life. Their wisdom will be sought out. The whole Human race will be called The People and there will be no more war, sickness or hunger forever.
Navajo-Hopi Prophecy of the Whirling Rainbow

In the time of the Seventh Fire, a New People would emerge. They would retrace their steps to find the wisdom that was left by the side of the trail long ago. Their steps would take them to the elders, who they would ask to guide them on their journey. If the New People remain strong in their quest, the sacred drum will again sound its voice. There will be an awakening of the people, and the sacred fire will again be lit. At this time, the light-skinned race will be given a choice between two roads. One road is the road of greed and technology without wisdom or respect for life. This road represents a rush to destruction. The other road is spirituality, a slower path that includes respect for all living things. If we choose the spiritual path, we can light yet another fire, an Eight Fire, and begin an extended period of Peace and healthy growth.
Grandfather William Commanda, Circle of All Nations Prophecy of the Seven Fires of the Anishnabe, From Ancient Wampum Belt

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Read more: http://www.ancient-origins.net/…/warriors-rainbow-prophecy-…