>>: Spirit Baby :<<

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Returning to the Great Cosmic Mother

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My life path changed immensely twice, this year, within a 3 month period.  Late summer, around the end of July early August I began feeling suspicious I may be possibly be pregnant. With my 5th child. Wow ~

What was odd was, that when I believe the only time we could have conceived was right around the time I was already expecting my Moon, not ovulation. It made me doubt myself & the inkling feeling and messages I was receiving. I didn’t want to test. This time. I wanted to learn to not doubt myself! I mean, when will that end anyways??? All this countless doubting myself, when I’ve had so many experiences that have affirmed I was truly receiving intuitive knowing & guidance…………

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Looking back now, we may have even conceived after I already thought I might be pregnant, because my moon was late. That was not really unusual for me, my cycles easily becoming wonky with fluctuations in stress, mood, moon……but looking back at my calendar, for almost an entire year, it was uncannily consistent,  close to a Full Moon for sometime, which signaled to me a time of pursuit in self development (check out “Red moon” by Mirendah Grey, who talks about red moon and white moon cycles). So, although I did feel a baby to be, floating in the ethereal realms, (over 2 years postpartum of my 4th baby Rowan, whose unassisted pregnancy & birth i felt inspired to share here ~ https://nurturingourwildness.wordpress.com/the-family-birth-of-rowan-noah-phoenix-unassisted/), I had thought this would occur a bit later. After his birth I had a few pregnancy dreams & just a lingering feeling my heart had room for one more, down the trail. I knew I was open and this wasn’t an ‘accident’. I really don’t belive in them.

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We were camping. Our first real camp out as a family. We went to my favourite ancient lake and were lucky to be the only ones making ‘home’ of this spot, for a whole week. It was just what I knew I needed. Peace & Solitude. Ok, some peace, we have 4 kids. Keeping it real! Ha ha. But unplugging felt good. Listening to the waves. Hearing beautiful Loon songs every night and iften during the day as well. Their songs were so hauntingly mesmerizing. Like they were calling to my Soul. My heart. Visions were coming. Of living a life that matched my spirit. I realized more & more what I wanted for my life and my family. The homestead was calling. More land, somewhere away from the highway and major roads and trains was calling. I knew I wanted this before, but now it was pulling hard!

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The quiet nights by the fire, with just our oldest two kids while the little two were sleeping was really special. We watched the stars & even some meteors too. Never mind all the UFO’s. **Wink**

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My partner and I talked alot about all the things coming up. All the possibilities. If I were pregnant. What our plan was to finally disengage from this dis enchanting lifestyle that kept us from living our dreams and allowing us  to really discover our gifts and use them. I know his spirit is drained, even dying, from working a job that requires long hours and really goes  against his integrity and love of nature ( logging), and the only thing that keeps him going is knowing he is doing what he has too right now and providing for  his family. However, we are at a point where we want to move towards a life of passion, purpose and enjoyment & move away from simply getting ‘through’ this.

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We both got a sense, this Spirit, and baby to be was gentle. We both felt it may be a little girl this time (1 girl, 3 boys, so far).  This Spirit babe was guiding us towards this dream. The day I pretty much knew I was carrying life was the day I had to head home to get a few things, shower and check on our chickens, horse and garden. Two eagles, a young one and maybe it’s mother, flew over us, landed in a tree by the trailer, played, and then flew off together, shedding some eagle fluff on me! Wowsza….

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I could really feel this ball of energy in my sacred womb. I just knew. And although I will admit I was a bit terrified, I was also over the moon excited. This space, felt magical. It felt like this baby would bring so many blessings.

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After returning from that mystical camping experience with so many animal visitors, including a young bear I sat on the beach with, it was a return to being plugged back into the normal home routine. I decided to get a reading with my friend Dawn (I’ve mentioned Dawn in my birth stories & have tuned into our previous babies, all except one, when she moved, her readings are authentic and always confirmed what I already sensed). The reading was beautiful. She was a bit surprised by my pregnancy but once she tuned in, it made sense. This Spirit had been planning for a long time. Thise were the intro words & waiting for the ‘nest’ to be ready ( remember the Eagles?). Indeed, a very feminine gentle spirit. She brought up so much of what we had been talking about, it was surreal. Especially focused on this homestead and self ~ sufficiency. I was really happy and excited. I was validated for all I felt.

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I kept this little secret to myself with the exception of a few. It was really nice to keep the magic between us. Although I still feared timing a bit, this baby would be born exactly when I had kinda dreamed of having a baby. Spring. A May baby. Noone else in the family was born in May, and I connected with Taurus, earthy, feminine energy. The other time I dreamt of having a baby was Summer, maybe July and a watery Cancer. Even the name that came to me resonated with taurus and May.

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There were times I felt things were a bit different. Maybe more in hindsight. My uterus felt a bit tilted, or something but I figured it was more due to my pelvis twisting and pulling things out of alignment. I did go for physio once to help with that and it did feel better. Other times I felt like my uterus was already contracting a bit, but maybe that was a variation of normal for someone who’s had multiple pregnancies. I had a few thoughts along the lines of loosing a baby, maybe because I had never experienced a miscarriage before.  Months earlier I was asked for advice in regards to miscarriage and I had no real advice to give, having not had that experience, it was all theoretical. I had more experience with pregnancy & birth giving and that June of 2016, was my first birth I was invited to hold space for ( there’s a story possibly yet to come). I joked I got baby dust on me then…..

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It’s now October & we have shared our news with family & friends, including our FB circle. I attended a woman’s Sweatlodge and shared my news there & it was just awesome to be in this space again. My daughter and niece joined me. So much joy and excitement and yet, still so much mystery! October was semi busy with my son’s Libran birthday and a basket weaving workshop I was facilitating. Interestingly enough, there wasn’t enough interest this time and I cancelled that weekend, but my friend & teacher came to stay at our place and taught me the round bottom style anyways. October was also pregnancy loss and infant loss awareness month and it just kept popping up.

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That friday, I woke around 5am to pee & when I wiped there was blood. That was new. I was concerned right away & hit up my FB birth communities that understood variations in normal & wholistic pregnancy. It’s definitely not abnormal for women to bleed with many reasons from implantation, cervical changes and sensitivities to sex or hormones. I was really trying NOT to worry, but really, it wasn’t my normal! Maybe this baby and this pregnancy was just different and would continually be a bit of a mystery? At this point I only dreamt of the baby twice. Once I was holding her, she was about 1 1/2 at best, I called her by the name that came to me & the other dream was strange and had me a bit rattled, of my friend Dawn tuning in and telling me this baby may not be born at home  and naturally due to being stuck! What??!! How’s that possible? I was kinda miffed at that dream and said ” Fuck that!”. Other dreams were more chaotic. Turbulent. Stormy. Ocean storms. Although in one water dream I dreamt I swam with a Lynx and one where a deer came to lie in bed with me.

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I bled lightly all weekend. Honestly, it was so hard for me to focus on learning this much more complex weaving style. I tried to relax but I was really worried and at the same time it made no sense to me for this to be actually happening. This bebe really seemed to want to come. That Sunday Mike, my partner, attended a Sweatlodge and I stayed home to finish my basket. I asked him to say prayers for me in the Lodge. I really wanted this bleeding to stop and happily move forward being pregnant. My belly was starting to show itself more and more. It was also our pup’s birthday. Nani was one  year old! Her brother Nanook only lived 6 months and was taken from us too soon on this highway. It was a celebration to have a piece of him through her.

Nanooks Story:https://nurturingourwildness.wordpress.com/2015/10/29/standing-in-the-center-of-grief-the-circle-of-life-accepting-nature/ )

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My friend Christina left Sunday afternoon. I was really friggen beat! My feet had felt slightly swollen, but didn’t look it. I figured maybe dehydrated and a change in development. I took a pretty good nap and even after I was still tired. The bleeding was minimal. That night I went to bed early. It was around 9:30. Mike had to work the next day anyway so it made going to bed early easy. I was a bit crampy on my left side. I could feel tension from my neck to my feet, all left. I was falling asleep and at some point I turned over to change position. That’s when I felt it………

a ‘Pop’

My heart sank a little already, on my way to the bathroom. As I sat down on the toilet, there it was, just like that, suspended & yet still connected, my tiny tiny baby. I couldn’t believe it. Is it something else? But as I shifted I recognized a face.

I howled……

My son, who’s bedroom is across the bathroom asked me right away ” are you loosing the baby?” with such sadness. I held my baby as I staggered down the hallway to get Mike. Howling, crying, saying ‘no’. Saying ‘why’.

He came with me to the bathroom trying to comfort and calm me. I could feel his own disbelief in some sense and sadness, even if he already suspected it may be coming. I squatted in the bathroom. My baby still attached and then the blood came. I stayed here, sobbing, for some time. Mike asked if he should call anyone? If we should go anywhere?

No. Simple answer,

He left the bathroom. I didn’t know what he was doing. You see. Mike Bear Moon, also known as Shadowalker in the Lodge, becomes very empathic when it comes to intense moments such as these. I feel he carried some of my pain and fear and purged. He couldn’t help it, it just happened. When he came back, there was more calm, he felt grounded & it grounded me. I was in disbelief still, now sitting in the tub, instead of bleeding on the floor. The baby ( fetus) was still attached by a thread and I gently tried to disconnect it from me so could sit. It didn’t let go quite yet, but soon, and then I just held her tiny unfinished human body, maybe 3 inches long at best, and held her in my left hand. I passed clots and just laid back in the empty tub letting the rivers of blood flow from me. I recalled a dream I had recently of again, being in the water, I saw a scene of boats & whales and blood filled waters. I remember having to swim and this intense feeling of these huge creatures beneath me, who could easily kill me. It was very odd and honestly I don’t know if the humans were killing the whales or the whales killing the humans, but the sea was bloody. I don’t know if it’s somehow connected.

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It took a couple of hours to finally leave the bathroom. My eldest and only daughter witnessed the whole thing, by her own choice. She was quiet and sad. She helped prepare a hot water bottle for me for my belly and a cup of balsam mint tea to soothe my body, mind & spirit. We sat on the couch for  a little while. The young ones slept through the whole thing fortunately. We finally went to bed, a bit heartbroken, or rather, with stretched hearts. My womb already felt empty.

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Friday I had sent my friend Dawn a message asking if she could check in on baby, but Dawn doesn’t use FB much. Late that Sunday night I just messaged her I had lost the baby. Monday we connected a bit and she said she’d tune in later that night and phone me. I was relieved to get some insight. I was really, and still am a bit, walking between worlds. All I did was rest on that Monday with lots of hot water bottles……and plenty of tears.

I had wrapped the little babe in a cloth and placed her in a box. I wasn’t sure what do yet. Burial didn’t feel quite right, although my young Apple tree crossed my mind. Later on that day we decided to have a fire ceremony that night.

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Mike had learned to build an altar for the fire. We had a chunk of Grandfather ( volcanic type rock used in lodges because they dont shatter easily) and rested our little unfinished human there, on a bed of juniper & tobacco.  We offered our heartfelt prayers, to say goodbye, at least for now & I mainly prayed for my own healing, because I knew, the Spirit of this babe, was fine. We watched the fire as it burned down and then went inside.

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The next morning when I checked in for messages I got my message from Dawn. She got tied up and decided to message me instead of phone because it got late. She messaged me after our ceremony and what came through was simple, short, sweet but what I needed.  It looked as though the problem was physical. It wasn’t a change in mind about joining our family as much as it was biology and timing. Like I’ve mentioned, the timing of conception was odd and that could have had a ripple effect. She said it appeared as if the fetus couldn’t attach, which confused Dawn, but then I researched and discovered that the placenta doesn’t attach and take over until about 10 weeks gestation. My little babe looked about 10 weeks not 12. That brought more clarity and insight to both of us & I learned something I honestly didn’t know, even after 4 children.

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 I was relieved to hear it wasn’t a spiritual decision because I felt instant love & kinship with this one. I prayed she’d come back, down the trail. That she is welcome to return at a better time, into our tribe. I have room in my heart and now relinquish my trust to that natural force of Spirit, Mystery and that Great Cosmic Mother of all creation.

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I now stand, in a circle of Women who have also stood in this place. It is my journey, but I’m not alone. I rest between stories. I walk between the seen & unseen. I learn to trust & let go. To ebb and flow. I see the need to talk about these things, to create ceremonies for our own healing and to honour & acknowledge the Spirit babies we have given birth too. This time of mourning and grief is part of the ‘letting go postpartum’………

***Below is my post on my personal FB page. The picture I posted with this writing is a piece I created from art I found and an outline of my baby.***

It is with great sadness i share the coming & going of our Little Starseed ✨ birthed, October 16 @ 10:43 pm.
I held a tiny unfinished human in my hand.
Great Mysteries potential.
Now returned to its original Source.
Going from one dance to another.
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The Spirit of this baby now cradled back into the Great Cosmic Mothers Womb. It was not the time to join our Tribe & as I sit between stories & walk between worlds, I release the life that was taking vision and shape. I am suspended in space. Only my deeply reaching spiritual roots serve as my grounding solace & support through this transition. I can only accept. Surrender. Carry on. As I adjust and orient myself on this new trail.
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Ceremony has been a vital part to create a completion & allow a new beginning. We lit the sacred altar, resting our unfinished creation on a bed of tobacco & juniper, laid upon Grandfather rocks back & returned this earthly vessel back to the Grandmother who sits at the centre of the sacred fire. We offered our love. Our gratitude for this connection, even though brief. We asked for our own healing, to support our hearts stretching. To blanket our tender hearts & spirits in the healing balm of love for one another. We gently let this most beautiful spirit know a welcomed return, if meant to be, at a later time. That there was a space in our family’s hearts should she decide so.
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I thank my partner for his powerful medicine, to take on what I couldn’t during this birthing. Transmuting the fear and sadness that became overwhelming & being gentle and present with me as I let go.
I am deeply grateful for the children I already have & am proud of them just for being themselves, supporting me in their own way. I thank my eldest and only daughter for having the courage to see me so raw & being brave enough to witness the life/death/rebirth cycle. It is one if the most potent teachings to accept death as part of life ❣
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I am thankful for all I have & all the lessons that shape my spirit in order to make me a more humble, compassionate human being. To understand both loss & life as sacred.
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Thank you for all the loving thoughts i have been receiving. Your prayers are felt. All my relations. 🙏🏻

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LaLoba ~ Wolf Woman

I have been gentle with myself as I heal. Resting more and allowing my body to do what it needs. This was an Unassisted miscarriage. My primary provider was my own bodies wisdom I called to the for front. I sought council with wise women, some whom are midwives as too what to be aware of. Everything has gone as it should, but please be mindful & aware of your own needs, if you suspect a problem. Sometimes our own emotional processing can make it more difficult for our bodies to do their job and other biological factors that present themselves. Be gentle & kind with You. With my deepest heartfelt blessings, thank you for walking along the trail of my story. All my relations ❣

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Sabrina Wolf Moon 🌓

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2 thoughts on “>>: Spirit Baby :<<

  1. Pingback: The Sacred Side of Miscarriage with Sabrina Wolf Moon - Indie Birth

  2. Pingback: Ending this year ~ 2016 ~ What a ride! | Nurturing Our Wildness

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