Standing in the Center of Grief >:< The Circle of Life & Accepting Nature

wolf and bear

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I had recently started a post about my recent experience at the Susun Weed workshop I attended…but then life happened and my world was forever re~arranged

again

the continuum of change is infinite, as it should be

sometimes the sudden changes just rip out our hearts a little and we bleed.

I have been bleeding since Monday. October 26, 2015 when my beloved dog Nanook was suddenly taken out of my world. We had just spent a beautiful 5 moons together, he was only 6 Moons old. Those 5 months felt like a lifetime, so rich and full of joy, to share this space with him and our family.

This was not our first time together

I was actually waiting for him for awhile.

The dreams started coming about dogs, back in February early March.

We had contemplated a new companion after our last dog passed 2 years earlier. It wasn’t a light decision, we knew the effort and care that would have to go into nurturing a puppy with a house full of kids and a baby in the midst…

but

the dreams kept coming

even though we didn’t really feel

I didn’t really feel

we were ready.

BUT

the dreams kept coming.

The most symbolic dream was one I had around my birthday.

My grandma (an aries) came to me with a gift.

She presented to me a small, but super fluffy, brown puppy. Just as I asked her what kind of dog this was, the dream ended.

Most of the other dreams I dreamt of this whitish dog. This was the first brown one.

Come April we were sitting in the Sweat lodge, when one of our lodge brothers shared the birth of another batch of puppies. ( Umm, Aries pups!) He tried to give us one the year before. ha. But we were not ready then. This time my attention sparked a bit. My heart was pulling me to explore this.

I hadn’t really heard about the Great Pyreneese breed before he told us about them. Then randomly one day, the spring after our sweet Mesha had left us, this giant white dog showed up at our house one day. She was so sweet and it took us sometime to find out who the owners were. The kids wanted to keep her of course, but this wasn’t about keeping that dog, but rather, about becoming aquainted with this type of dog.

I began looking in to their traits and behaviours. Some I liked, some I didn’t. But the internet is good at that. I loved how gentle they seemed and mellow. Pretty content without needing a vigorous exercise routine. Just a nice walk would do.

Although I’ve always longed for a wolfie husky like dog, I knew this was not the time and space for me to have a dog like that. They need a lot of attention and exercise!

This particular batch of puppies was not just Pyreneese but a lab cross. So I started looking into what they termed Pyrador’s or Laboneese. Everything I read sounded really great and suitable for us.

One time we checked into an animal shelter here & came across some more Korelian Bear dogs (like our last dog). I asked the shelter guy what he thought about the Lab and Pyreneese cross, he just responded, ‘awful’. OH! I thought. Ok.

Well, I shrugged that off, because I didn’t really like his vibe anyhow. My heart was still on these pups. I had to explore deeper. I couldn’t stop thinking about it.

We finally went to visit the puppies. I was really torn between 2. The one that would become our beautiful Nanook & his sister, who pulled at me, just because of her colour and markings (like dream). The little brown fluff ball had really buried himself into my partner’s beard. He was really at home in his arms.

Because my intuition was being compromised by my feelings and the image I saw in my dreams (yeah, that happens to me a lot) I consulted my dear friend Dawn to help me clear through the cobwebs & she tuned in for me.  First thing that came up was…

It’s the one that was nuzzling into Mike’s beard!

he was saying ‘hey its me, take me home’. She also saw he had a dark muzzle and was more solid in colour. Which he was and then it rapidly changed! His markings, unfolded into looking more like his sister and he became very much more white! not brown.

yet he was fluffy brown just like in the dream where Aries Grandma was gifting me this Aries pup. sigh*

I am learning to decipher the messages. Yup.

Nanook was a name that just kept coming to me. I really loved it, but with all things, its always strange at first, to name something, anything. Now it just normally rolls off my tongue, like no other name could have ever been more perfect for him. I will miss calling it out…..

In Inuit mythology, Nanook (Inuktitut: ᓇᓄᖅ, [naˈnuq], lit. “Polar Bear”) was the master of bears, meaning he decided if hunters deserved success in finding and hunting bears and punished violations of taboos.

He was a majestic bear indeed.

The life we had together was so precious. He came everywhere with me. Although I had thought, that this time, he wanted to be more of an outside dog, he followed us everywhere and was happily included in our household. We even bought him the largest dog door possible! I only left him home twice in our almost 6 months together.

Even though he hated the car rides at first, after a few months of this, having to come to town with me and the kids (because I had no fenced area for him), he became very used to it, even sat on the back seat.

I never had to worry about him. He always stayed nearby, following us in and out.  He was just really coming into his own and his coat was becoming really beautiful now. He looked like a husky or a wolf without being either. A few times I was asked if he had wolf in him. He is my ally, my familiar. Wolf is my ally, my familiar.

That morning that he left us, I had the best cuddle ever with him. He jumped on my bed and we just relished in each other’s arms. I rubbed his beautiful and soft ears and he just groaned in bliss. I whispered ‘I love you Nanook’ a few times. Rubbed his belly and paws. His giant paws.

I really wish I had a picture of this. How large he became in such a short time and how you could just wrap yourself around him. I thought, I had time, to get someone to capture this moment of us, since I was always the one behind the camera. I never thought he would be gone so soon.

That day, we were all outside, looking at the future chicken coop with the kid’s Grandpa. He was going to take the boys with him to cut some more boards for the floor. Then I heard the honking….and my heart sank. Even as I type this it sends those feelings to my belly. Instant heart break.

I realized Nanook, who was just here, wasn’t. I began calling and calling. Sequoia climbed on top of the play house and said he saw something….on the road. My heart sank deeper. No.

I drove to the road with Chris…. I lost it. I couldn’t believe it. I just screamed.

Why?

over and over

Why?

He was so loved, why had he started this, suddenly. He wasn’t given many chances and there was no time to even ponder a solution, to keep him safe until we could teach him more.  He wanted to expand his territory, to do his job.  In that weekend i was gone, his awareness shifted, to knowing there was more…out there. He was just go lucky, happy, doing his thing….not realizing, there are consequences…does any animal?

They live so purely in the moment.

They have no fear of death, unlike us human animals.

I know he’s still around. Our bond is so deep & goes back to so long ago.

This makes it easier and harder at the same time. For me. I know he’s happy and free, what I’m feeling is my own sadness and loss for him. I see him running in my mind, so happy and goofy as always.

He is truly missed by our whole family & always will be.

We take for granted the fact that despite all the heart aches and pain we experience while incarnate in this physical space this IS the most sacred space when we fully embody it.

The Spiritual traditions that try to ascend the physical or see it as a burden or ‘sin’ are really doing us a disservice. I think maybe, they were planted there to misguide us, because I have always intuitively felt, understanding the power of being fully present in our bodies is the missing link to our full potential and unlocking our true power.

I know Nanook is here,

but I can’t run my hands through his velvety fur.

I can’t wrap my arms around him and smell his sweetness.

How is that not Sacred?

We did have quite a heated conversation about this at the workshop as well as the continuum of life and death, the cycles of nature. I had no idea how soon I would have to embrace this lesson again in my life. He brought so much joy and light into my life, and yet, I have to accept the pain and darkness that grieving brings.

That day, I had syncronistically commented on a post about grief and loss and how ‘everything does NOT happen for reason’.  This was an hour before my little world changed. I remember reading it and typing a response, that we need to honour the emotions, the pain and the process BUT I  still felt things really do happen a for a reason. My life has always mirrored this, but you just can’t see it in that moment, nor should pain be covered up by that kind of response. The pain is very very real.

I still feel this. Layers of lessons and teachings.

I am claiming responsibility for this. I am responding in the moment, which is what responsibility is. I am grieving. I miss him with all my heart. My heart was broken.

and

that’s what LOVE does. It can break us but it also holds us together.

All the pain I am feeling right now, is still worth the short time we spent together. It is always worth risking to LOVE again.

always.

So many teachings and lessons I am still integrating from our time together as well as his death.

My friend Crazyhorse urged me not to bury him. I have always buried my animals. You know….

gave them a human funeral. Yeah. Human.

Do animals bury each other?

No.

It felt right.

So Mike brought him to the hills somewhere & laid him to rest underneath some Birch Trees. He offered tobacco and smudge. He was returned to the Land.  He was honoured the best way we could. I believe now, it has really set him more free than ever. He brought me back a piece of his fur and I just sobbed.

Later we had a fire and did a ceremony for him. I drummed and sang some songs I knew. We offered tobacco and each said something to Nanook. The kids thanked him for their time together and told him they love and miss him. It was really deeply touching. Yet, my heart ached.

So many reminders.

everywhere….

The giant dog door left behind.

When I hear the cat’s enter, I think of you coming inside.

The fur left behind in my van and on my clothing.

The hole you were digging by the front deck.

The paw print I just found in the yard.

The ca-clonking sound you made when you flopped yourself on the floor at night.

The fact you were a transient sleeper, never just staying in one favorite spot, but you had many.

You flopping yourself down at my feet and always being right in the way while I had to make supper and I was SO fond of you, even when in the way, or in a hurry, there was always time for a cuddle.

or two.

You coming into my room in the morning and bonking your giant wet nose right in my face.

Even you being so joyful and huge and knocking the kids over, although we were working on YOU not doing that! You were truly a gentle giant, not meaning any harm, just a bit rambunctious.

You were really a great dog & such a mellow pup.  Sigh*

What came to my mind, is that continuum of life, that liberation and growth of our spirits with each journey of incarnation we make.

Susun brought a teaching which she said, take it if it resonates, and it did.

For me.

We are made up of 2 forces.

One is our Life force – that which completely embodies our physical being. our body. that which dies.

The other is our

Soul Force, that which lives beyond our physical death. You can communicate to anyone’s soul force, which can come in handy if you work with the dying or taking the live’s of animals for food.

His soul force is here, because of our bond. He could choose to leave and go to his ‘doggy heaven’ but he wants to stay to continue his purpose as guardian. Now, our spiritual guardian and he will do it well.

My dear friend Dawn helped me once again & we contacted Nanook that night (his soul force). I really needed to feel some peace & even though I knew he was ok, happy even, I still wanted to tune in to see what else he had to say. I needed to clear through the voices of guilt and blame that run rampant amidst tragedy. The many should have’s and could have’s that completely take over and paralyze you. I needed to find solace.

He brought so much love into my life & now I feel we also gave him a gift. I feel in some ways, he came back to us, for a final piece in his spirits journey, a liberation back to his roots and his ancestors wildness.

His death was an accident to an extent because it was not his intention to leave us so soon, but he said he had no regrets and wouldn’t trade his short life for another’s dogs long life. His life was rich  & full. Quality over quantity. All the things I had already sensed, but sometimes it really just sounds better coming from someone else.

He is now protecting us from the other side, that rests right at the tip of our nose. He will continue serving his purpose as our guardian until he feels called to move on. He said its likely that his next incarnation, when the time comes, won’t be as a domesticated animal again, but as a wild animal, more than likely a Wolf. Funny that. My wolfie friend. He was happy to howl a the recent Full Moon.

That Moon brought frost

&

Deep changes.

I will just have to nourish my own wild roots and then we’ll meet again, in the Wild. That  free space of unconditional love that holds no boundaries or bars on anyone’s freedom. I will miss him always, as he was, in this last body, that truly held a majestic awe. He was absolutely gorgeous and handsome to me.

So my friend…

When the wind blows

& you swoosh on by

I know you are here.

forever and always.

Eventually :: when I see you in mind, only  joy will remain, not the sorrow of longing I feel for you right now. Everyday I cry a little less & eventually, the sharp edges of that pain I feel, in that moment, when reality sank in, that you were gone, will smooth over, and the pain won’t be as sharp anymore. And when I am ready, I will go the highway & lay down tobacco for all the lives that are lost, to our modern snake, that takes many……

I love you Nanook (((O)) Awoooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

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puppy love

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nanook

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nanuk 2

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lol

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wolf and bear

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fire puppy

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nanook moon

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nanook fire moon

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nanook chew

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IMG_8151

Loved to cuddle

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IMG_8285

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me rowan nanook

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nanook and the boys

Was always with the boys

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nanook and boys

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nook toons2

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nook toons3

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nook toons

Loved his berries >>:<<

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big baby

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big baby 2

Loved to give hugs ((O))

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nanook

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Gorgeous Boy ❤

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NANOOK BIG

a before and after (after becoming giant!)

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Nanook NOW ❤

wolf running

The mournful cries rise in the night.
We are seeking!
Wolves’ song greets the Moon so bright.
We are brace and wise!
Sleek, muscles bodies beneath the Moon.
We help turn the wheel of death and rebirth!
By our magic we a send a boon
Of true dreaming!
>>:<<
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