To bend or break >:< Learning to walk with the Shadow and Heal with a cosmic push!

barefoot garden

Growing bear roots >:< home is where our bare feet root down >:<

Astral insights from Virgo Magic >:<

Cancer is the sign of home, foundation, family and tribe – the root system you need pursue your goals and take power in the world. This Uranian Cancer New Moon could bring a lightning bolt of awareness to what’s NOT working in your current support system and the steps you can take to ultimately create more nurturing and nourishment.

Cancerian themes are further activated at the New Moon by the conjunction of Mercury and Mars in Cancer exactly opposing Pluto in Capricorn. Transformational Pluto calls for shedding your ego’s agenda of what you THINK you should want and need, and dropping into a deeper level of self-honesty and authenticity. Notice where you’re feeling powerless, pissed-off, self-pitying, and/or victimy – that’s your signal to pull back, take responsibility for your feelings, and commit to honoring your true needs and desires.


There has been some emotional energies weighing on my heart this last week or more….

Issues, now that I look closely, seem a little out of place for me, but make SOOO much more sense now that I read the astrological weather at this time. My purest solace has been working outside in my tiny garden and the only frustration I feel there is not having enough time to spend working on it!

If someone would like to do my housework and cooking for me I’d be a happy camper, (cooking and cleaning being cancerian agenda’s lol) because lately, this is where I feel rooted.

On the land, hands in the dirt, or out on a walk to wild harvest, which I haven’t been able to do a whole lot of….sigh*

I’m always amused of how tuned in we are to the cosmic energies without even really realizing what is tugging at us. As within as without. Ha.

The themes that have been stirring me into daily contemplation and thought have much revolved around money, material security, creating deep roots and living that life we all know we want to be living but don’t know how to get there without having a lot of….Money!

Astral insight from my friend Serina >:<

“ New moon in cancer with mars mercury conjoined in cancer opposite Pluto in Capricorn, is all about money. Money money money. This is an opportunity for our relationship with money to transform. Whether there is seemingly not enough, despite multiple in flows, or someone just lost a job and is going to have to get down to the nitty gritty and evaluate what they truly value in life, or maybe there is estate planning issues or issues with wills coming to a head or you came into some money and your mind and will are concerned with investing it in hopes that it will transform into more, or at the very least not lose its value in the future, money is on the mind and you have the energy and drive to transform not only the flow of it in your life, but to begin the transformation of your entire relationship to it.

Find more of her work  here >:<


And of course that got me thinking about money more and more and how its really fucking absurd that we have to aquire so much of this inferior middle man just to get to where we want to be and enjoy the abundance of this land.  To live the life we dream of. When – afterall, the Earth – our mother, provides us all the tools and resources for FREE!


So who was the genius that decided he can just start charging what was once free for all people, a human birthright, and now is making us all slaves to a never ending spiral of material enslavement?

Well, digging into that isn’t really the point of this writing….there is enough information ‘out there’ that highlights the bloodlines and families of elitist dating back many hundreds of years. I’m not gonna get into the whole illuminati thing…..

The point,  if there even is a fucking point for the writing, is a merely a free flow of my thoughts I want to release and make a connection to with the stars. With the fact our higher being, our spirit, has chosen many lessons for us to grasp, learn and integrate. One of mine, is just that. Letting go! And trusting in the flow of timing….


Requires patience

Another thing I’m not so good at. What?!


But by now I would think I would have integrated this teaching much better?

Time and time again I am shown about appropriate timing…..

That when I push and force too hard it doesn’t end well for me emotionally and a reason for that obstacle is always revealed at some point (if I pay attention!). I have to trust!


No different then the divine timing of our babies choosing to come to Earth and when they are born!

According to Nature’s cycle and Spiritual ripeness. When we ALLOW that, everything falls into place effortlessly, not meaning, without hard work! But everything just transpires with ease once each brick has been layed, through time.


So : again, there is always a reason why something isn’t working out or hasn’t happened yet, beyond what the mind and intellect can calculate OR EVEN UNDERSTAND.

The Great Spirit oversees the whole web of creation >:< only from that point of view can we see all the crossroads, the intersections, and the labyrinth of the paths we must walk to get to the next step.


The next step shouldn’t lead to a final destination…because that destination would be DEATH!

The entire journey is part of the path, each rock thrown infront of us bearing a teaching and lesson to learn for our growth and a kind of preparing us for the next lesson.


Remember how I’ve said in previous writings how this Earth is our ultimate school???

Which is why I don’t feel I need to put my children in ‘school’ when they already ARE in a living school. Ha ha.


So back to the all the things that are interconnected tugging at my heart and mind.

Money was a big theme….

Because my little tribe are minimalists, simplists, and we don’t have much in regards of material wealth. We have one income coming in, at this time, and will always be that way, until the time comes where I can make medicines at home and become the community herbalist I see myself being as well as utilizing my other skills in whole – people healing!

I am constantly being called back to teaching as being one of my paths, especially about plants, healing and the sacred knowledge that pregnancy and childbirth offer us. These are passions guiding me. My art and music are muses and my own healing agents along the way. IF my art & skills could make me money or bring in abundance that is great!


But for now,

I can only stretch myself so far, in a healthy way.

I need the ‘time’ to wild harvest – foster relationship with the plant world to work ‘with’ them and I need the resources to buy supplies.

I need the time and energy to work with people and have enough left over for my children, my youngest only 1 ½ and very demanding engergetically. Ha ha… 😛 (understatement)

and I am not willing to leave this path we chose of keeping our kids learning at ‘home’ in order to gain more material prosperity.



These are not fucking excuses I’m making for myself…after all, i’m just talking to myself here….!

But realities I have to accept for now.

I know myself and what I am capable of giving.

Being burnt out is not a passion of mine…

And so,

It brings me back to this ‘evil’ we call money lol…..

Which I’ve always had a kind of love –hate relationship with since I was little,

Because I paid attention

And saw what aquiring this status of money did to people

My own family

And the greater world…..


So I say…


New age bullshit mantra

That money is just an exchange of energy….



Because I haven’t seen a fair exchange of it at all?

The people who long to do the most ‘good’ in the world, meaning, want to live a better life, on the land, with the land and with the animals, plants and each other, hardly have the money to BUY this land (which really does sound ridiculous when you begin looking deeper? Buy something that was provided for US? Huh). Some of us do….I’m not one of them, right now.


We can’t build a sustainable – small but efficient “off grid” house to raise our family, because much of costs a small fortune! Yeah,I know,

You might be  saying…

Don’t you see all those FB posts of upcycling ‘free’ stuff?

And yes I do, but I don’t live in a place where people are constantly discarding very reasonable, usable things!

Rich people may be plenty, but are limited here in my tiny community.

The fact is there are things you still need to buy and maybe even people you need to pay…in MONEY!

My partner isn’t a builder, nor am i.

I would love to learn to build some things, but also needs some more tools in the toolshed.

And buying land and property is getting really pricey….i’m glad we were able to buy our home or rather, rent from the bank for a ridiculous exchange!!! because just the price of rent is getting really high – even here.

Because most of our mortage payments is going towards interest first? Yeah…how is everyone ok with that???


So then you may think, there might be offgrid homesteads out there, for cheap.

Yeah…and unless you have that bulk sum of cold hard cash, you can’t buy that either.

I see families and people moving here from the city…buying homesteads or wanting to homestead…which is both nice to see and annoying lol…annoying because they can afford to buy up land here coming from the city, but we can’t – and the price of everything just keeps rising.


To me, money is a hinderance….

And honestly, I don’t want to figure out ways to make more…

I want to find a way to make a whole lot lesssssssssss…..

At some we have to ask yourself how much of ourselves are we willing to sell – compromise – in order to gain more money?

We really do embody the archetype of the prostitute when we begin selling our integrity for paper or status.

When wants over shadow needs & when the guidance to live in a better is ignored for false security and comfort.


I question my life a lot and whether I’m providing enough for my kids. Funny, that must be the ‘cancerian new moon mother’ energies I am feeling lately….

I worry, because I’m not able to give them that life I would love for them to have…

At least yet…

Some of these things really are ‘early’ conditioning though, on what we need to provide children with…

and maybe how I grew up too?

I had every material thing I ever needed and wanted (at the time). Coming from a single child home until the age of 10, my parents were able to provide any material comfort we wanted. The biggest blessing I see, from the fact my parents were able to materially well off (at least then) was being able to move us from Germany to Canada! This land called me here for a reason. This way of life.

of simplicity.

And when I reflect – I know it wasn’t the material things that ever cushioned my reality from the harshness of feeling a bit lost in this world, because even then I felt something was amiss and my heart longed to feel connected…to feel the sacred.

Connected to my spiritual self – my essence.

The greater meaning of life – and so I am still discovering my place here….

So really, chidlren are simple creatures, its NEVER too late to learn and experience life…it doesn’t ALL have to be crammed down there throats before they reach the age of 7! They have the essentials of what they need, in essence.


Living on the land, with horses, enjoying nature by having canoes or kayaks, having the time and resources to grow a huge garden together and build greenhouses, being able to create that self sustained homestead and being able to provide for the animals that provide for us (…chickens, cow…maybe)….exploring the land around us through some travel….and so so much more are things I would love to provide them with (on that material level).

Just being able to provide them with whatever they want to explore….

Musical instruments

Carving sets

Art supplies – like a pottery wheel…spinning wheels….whatever wheels….heh.


Not fancy toys but material tools of creation, I can’t afford. wha…poor me…poor us.

You get to a point where you tire of surviving and want to move into thriving – goddammit!

Just to buy the tools for us to be able to learn to build together….

On top of daily living expenses and upgrading some appliances that are ancient, like my fridge that was a hand me down in the first and now I’ve had for 9 years. ha. A newer, non leaky fridge would be divine so my food stays fresher, eh – and that pantry! So I can continue buying more bulk & waste less.

A mattress that doesn’t make my partner wake up like a cripple would be awesome too, considering we spend so much time (or not so much) sleeping. Then again, the foamy on the floor works for now…..and then there are the endless old things falling apart (like my kitchen lol) that is making my head spin…just a little…at times!

More deeply though, I want them to know who they are and what they are here to gift the world with their presence.

Where to we prioritize and how will it EVER be enough in a world that keeps siphoning the money we are working hard to make (or at least some of us) right out of our hands?

The poorer you are the more taxes they take? Say what? How does that make any fucking sense? It doesn’t and isn’t supposed to.

Where is the support system for families not intentionally burdening our increasingly hungry  system?

I was getting really jealous, just scrolling through my FB feed…

Seeing families who are already living that life and wondering ‘how the fuck did they get there’

How can they afford to do all those things?

With the cost of living these days – how are they doing it?

are they all just rolling in huge debt?

what is their secret?


So if money is an exchange of energy, where’s my exchange for doing my inner work? For trying to raise a family in a good way – providing them the good food that is 10 times more expensive, raising them with values and caring for others and trying to raise them to not beome mindless consumers. The eco friendly way has become a trend – an expensive trend for yuppies…..

Hippies with lots of dough lol ha. Who encourage the markets to play on our guilt….when we don’t have ‘green appliances’ or smart eco cars lol…sipping latte’s after Yoga class…..Ommmm….bullshit….!

When I do yoga or attend the Sweat lodge it isn’t for outter appearance or that quick spiritual fix that sunday mass is for many people – who don’t embody the those teachings in their daily walk but rather make up for it by attending ‘spiritual or religious’ get togethers….

NO – this work is about stepping into the uncomfortable to FEEL and get down to the roots!

To the cold hard truth of our being and the fact no one can be TRULY HAPPY in a world that is SO amiss….

I don’t care who are you….if you don’t feel somewhere within yourself there is something HUGELY missing you are a fucking zombie!!!

Where is the accountability for our own contradictions & hypocrisy?

When will people make the connection between shouting about the greed driven corporations yet still supporting them with their money?


Everything we own is used, we buy nothing new (except food!), save up if we can for things. And I don’t mind that at all. I love shopping at the thrift store when I need clothes for the kids or want something ‘new to me’, but sometimes its just tough….when you need something and you can’t find it used right away when you need it…

My partner who works like a slave for some pie crumbs compared to the guys at the top of the food chain….

The amount of energy he puts out – he surely the exchange is not equal!

He works up to 16hrs. days at times and even nights – flipping his whole entire life and health upside down just to provide enough money for us to pay our bills, have a home and buy food…there is hardly any wiggle room to save up enough to make a substantial difference of getting ‘ahead’


No one is free….

No one

Don’t kid yourself

You might have some more freedoms if financially you are secure…

But you still aren’t free

Because we are all slaves of this system!

You pay bills and mortages and make montly payments?

You are not fucking free!


You believe everything you are spoon fed by media or science?

You are not FREE!


So everyone spouting off ‘money is an exchange of energy’ or it has to do with your beliefs and lack of selfworth, might be true to some extent….but really are becoming part of the problem by masking the deeper issues! that this system is fucked!

And there is only so much money to go around…..really!

and energy is infinite…

so how again do they compare?


So there are times it really pisses me off….the restriction I feel…

But I know a huge part of that restriction is beyond money and material comfort.

It is buried deep inside of me

And wants to be released….

As long as you (i) allow envy – jealousy and comparison

(all intense lessons I’ve been learning my whole life)

We will always be chasing more….

It will NEVER be enough

I will never be enough…


So this is probably my shadow, rising to the surface….

Tugging at my lack of self worth, my inner insecurity, the lack of beauty I see within myself, hence chasing it outside of myself.


I have a lot to purge and Pluto – the big planetary body of the underworld is purging the world right now….

The sooner the better…

Because it can’t go on like this forever…

These wounds must be healed!

Let’s go!


I am in the process of extracting my own inner evils! The ones that bring out the worst in me.

For me its all to easy to see what I am NOT doing or doing poorly, than what I’m doing correct and well.


I protected my babies from feeling unloved in the womb and realized how the womb shapes our earliest experiences.

I birthed them in the gentlest way I knew how, improving myself with each child.

I nursed all my children, giving them the first food of the divine mother and then fostered a love of pure water, our earth mother’s milk.

I have raised them with the healthiest food I could provide, including growing a garden, even if its just a tiny one for now.

I eliminated as many unnecessary chemicals I could from their lives, in their food, diapers, clothes, soaps, toothpastes and cleaners but hey, I live in a conventionally built, old home, that’s probably bustin’ out some mold spores somewhere….lol

I am raising them with a love for the land they live on, the plants the grow beside us and the animals that we coexist with.

I am trying to enforce that we are a team – working together in common unity – community!

They are growing up around sacred ceremony with an open heart and earth centered spirituality rather than a forced religion or doctrine. That they have a purpose here and its up to them to realize that gift they’ve brought with them.

I am trying my best to protect their sense of self and encourage them to walk the path of knowing themselves.


I stumble a lot

I yell too much in frustration, when I’m not listened too and when noone is giving me a hand.

When their rooms and the house is a disaster.

When they fight too much.

When I question whether keeping them at home is the healthiest option.

when I feel my inner space is completely crowded by my children’s energies and needs and I feel no room for myself to breathe!

Simply put





I am not perfect, but I try to do my best…

Sometimes I need to try harder.


So I realize this Mother thing is crash course in learning about my own emotional intelligence and am on a path of fostering the utmost patience, compassion and surrender…..


I am an over emotional person that has a hard time with other people’s emotions and am now immersed in emotional chaos 24/7. Eeeeek.


There is no escape

Only choice…

The easy way to learn

Or the hard way?


Will I induce more inner suffering or learn the lesson?



Teepee greenhouse >:<


I built myself a teepee greenhouse….I’ve never done that before….I have a tiny greenhouse and was gifted many heirloom tomatoe, cucumber and cantaloupe plants…so building a teepee was the only thing within my range of capababilites and tools I could do myself. All I needed was willow an axe, string and plastic. Yesterday it was blown down…nice timing…huh.

I’ve been struggling to get it up back despite the winds to protect my plants to no avail… seems I must re-build the entire structure.

To me this sounds pretty on par with what is urging us in that outer cosmos to bring home into our inner cosmos…


Mothering ourselves

Breaking through beliefs – old structures and patterns that bring us harm – limit growth and hold us back

(just like our societal structures)

Clearing away the baggage and acknowledging the shadow – it is a part of us  and most likely holds within it our greatest gift.

And viewing abundance in a new light!

Maybe one day soon, we can move beyond the false god of money to make us feel good eh…

What do you think?

So here’s to some house cleaning!!

Inner and outer….

to new growth and nurturing that which is working and letting the rest GO!


merging with lili

Merging >:< inner & outer


Astral insight from my friend Serena >:<

“ New moon in cancer with mars mercury conjoined in cancer opposite Pluto in Capricorn, is all about money. Money money money. This is an opportunity for our relationship with money to transform. Whether there is seemingly not enough, despite multiple in flows, or someone just lost a job and is going to have to get down to the nitty gritty and evaluate what they truly value in life, or maybe there is estate planning issues or issues with wills coming to a head or you came into some money and your mind and will are concerned with investing it in hopes that it will transform into more, or at the very least not lose its value in the future, money is on the mind and you have the energy and drive to transform not only the flow of it in your life, but to begin the transformation of your entire relationship to it. Are we tuning in to the ever flowing abundance or living in an illusion of scarcity. Cancer new moons can also bring up major mommy issues. A chance to renew our relationship with ours and forgive them, a chance to renew our relationship to ourselves as mothers and forgive ourselves. Cancer is ruled by the Moon and is associated with the Mother and Money ,two things that tend to ebb and flow like the moon and the tides, money comes in and it goes out. Our relationships with and perceptions of our mothers can also ebb and flow like the milk in her breasts that fed us and the womb that grew us. Womens cycles, mother or not are closely in sync with the moons movements and cancer is thus associated with the breasts and the womb. Mothers milk is the first food and cancer is also closely associated with food. Infact, cancer is first, food. Money is just the second best substitute for food. During cancer months, we find people stockpiling food or survival supplies, or perhaps amping up their efforts to feed those that can’t provide for themselves. To recap: we are transforming our relationship with money, our mothers and food and analyzing our basic survival drives. We are given so many opportunities for new beginnings that hearing that its time for new beginnings can get annoying and seem empty, but its not, life is constantly renewing and starting anew at various levels of perception.”

Astral insights from Chani Nichols >:<

Since 2008, Pluto, the planet that governs underworld journeys, subterranean reconstructions and arduous but long-lasting psychological transformations, has been in Capricorn, the sign that opposes Cancer. This opposition has acted as an opportunity for deep purgations for many Cancers (and Capricorns). Pluto always teaches us about our power and how we use it. Subtle to obvious abuses of power arise when Pluto is in the frame, a necessary process when wanting  to properly transform a structure. If we don’t locate, name and resist patterns of abuse, corruption, greed and exploitation, no amount of positive-self-help-affirmation-sparkle will ever truly address our wounds.

The moon in Cancer is strongly placed and strongly felt on an emotional level. Pluto in Capricorn speaks of the societal structures that need a massive overhaul from their roots to their tips. This opposition from Pluto can beg the question: how and what do we transform on a personal level in order for or in tandem with the societal reconstructions that need to happen?

The conjunction of the sun and moon (what occurs on a new moon) is not the only one taking place in Cancer. There is also a conjunction between Mars, the warrior, and Mercury, the messenger, in Cancer exactly opposing Pluto at the time of the new moon. To say that this configuration could extract the evils that ail us is an understatement.

– See more at:


into the light

Shadow into light >:<

We come from the darkness and the light has blinded us from realizing who we really are…that is both light and dark…but the light has brought so much comfort over the years that we refuse the dark, but we can not refuse ourselves, and it’s clear to see that the darkness begs for our attention, and it will only get louder until we accept it and acknowledge it. So long as we are scared of the dark(scared of ourselves) we will continue to lead an unbalanced life which will continue to get more intense until we can no longer hide and either consume ourselves or become whole.
>>: Mike Bear Moon : Shadow Walker :<<


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